Child Birth Is Serious Sh*t

Dear Expecting The Worst,

I'm not laughing at you; I'm laughing with you —you're just not seeing the humor. Think of it this way: By the time your baby is born, all of the 'shit' you are worried about now will be nothing more than a faded memory that you can later revise. Not only that, but you'll get to use the agony of childbirth on your child (and the hubs) for years to come; imagine the joy THAT will bring!

I will tell you that not everyone shits on the table, but oh my God, I am cry-laughing right now at the thought of it. But worrying about it won't do you a damn bit of good; you're better off not thinking about it at all. If you're lucky, your husband will do everything in his power to avoid staring at the abnormalities below and focus on the real task at hand. You are having a baby, dammit, and there is not much that can top that journey.

As for the epidural, I had the same worry, which I may or may not have addressed in my first anthology (I did. I'm lying. You should get a copy). Confident that the pain was going to kill me, I convinced the ER doctor to persuade my OBGYN into admitting me early, when I was only ½ centimeter dilated. Thankfully, she did, and the epidural worked like a champ. I never felt a thing, but honestly, it wouldn't have mattered if I had (Again: LIES!).

The truth is that I have loads of friends — you probably do as well — that have given birth without the perks of sedation, and all of them survived. It's okay to feel afraid about giving birth; we all go through it, but stress can be dangerous. Try not to overthink things, and allow yourself to experience the joys of motherhood while you still can. I'm kidding. Motherhood IS a joy. Congratulations, and welcome to the club! Below a little taste of what you can expect afterward.