Dating, Divorce, And Trust Issues: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Dear Shattered Confidence,

Trust is a four-letter-word that people often take for granted. Once it's blown, it's hard to get back, but the good news is that it's not impossible, as long as you're willing to do some work. 

One of the things that helped me when I was going through something similar was learning how to trust myself again. While it may seem like a no-brainer, "gut instinct" is actually quite complicated, especially if you have a history of making poor choices. The problem with not listening to your gut is that it could mean you're ignoring potential red flags. People who do this often do so to avoid ending a relationship that they know won't work because deep down, they hope that it will —at least, that's how it was for me. Once the trust is gone, however, the gritty afterglow of disappointment and pent up anger can linger for days, weeks, months, years, or in some cases, decades. 

Here's what I know for sure: if you hold onto resentment, it festers, causing a domino effect of trust issues that can last a lifetime. The only way to move forward positively is to accept what is, forgive the person who caused the betrayal — this does not mean you should maintain unhealthy relationships — and stop beating yourself up over what happened. Once you fully "let go" of the negative stigma tied to that relationship and learn how to set new (and realistic) boundaries to hold them and others accountable for their actions, you'll be able to protect yourself better in the future. 

​Before filing for divorce, my therapist turned me on to Spartan Life Coach, Richard Grannon, an emphatic and humorous NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) Master Practitioner who specializes in narcissistic abuse. Although he does charge a fee for one-on-one coaching and workshops, his YouTube channel is free and incredibly insightful. If nothing else, it will help you to know that you're not alone. My only criticism is that his videos (example below) don't cover divorcing someone with personality disorders — perhaps that's where I come in.

Another thing I found quite useful was re-learning the simple art of making eye-contact.  Again, it sounds like a necessary element to everyday living, but you'd be surprised how often we avoid it, especially when trust is an issue. I'm not going to lie; it took a long time for me to trust people again after what that individual put me through, but it's slowly coming back, and it feels good to look in the mirror and see myself. Take a breath, tell your friends to chill, and follow your gut. You'll know when you're ready.