No One Puts Mommy In The Corner

Dear MILs Are The Worst,

​I'll see your mother-in-law from hell and raise you a divorce. Seriously, I shouldn't be giving out relationship advice, but here goes: There are names for individuals who put people down to make themselves feel (or look) better, and none of them are good. By allowing your MIL to belittle you in front of your children, you are inadvertently teaching them to tolerate mistreatment.

​Standing up to bullies (no matter who they are) — setting healthy and realistic boundaries — when the kids are watching is a teaching moment like no other. It shows them how to face fear while reinforcing the importance of mutual respect. Learn from my mistakes and stand your ground with her before things get any worse. One of the most powerful weapons a person has is their eyes, so use yours when you speak with her and do not break contact. Typically, when people are intentionally causing drama, they will back down the second you look them square in the eye. If something she says or does upsets you, ask her to explain what she means. For example, "You seem concerned about my weight. Would you like to talk about that?" 

​The last time I spoke to my former monster-in-law (for real) was on Thanksgiving eight-years-ago when she and her sister ganged up on me in the kitchen to mock my writing career. I remember crying all the way home that night, feeling attacked, humiliated, angry, and unappreciated —thinking about all the things I should have said but didn't. The next day, I banned her from future visits to my home, and turned years of hurt into a story that landed on the pages of my second anthology. One day, when she's much older, I'll give a copy to my daughter.

Women like your MIL think the world revolves around them because it does, but not for the reason you may think. Most people aren't tending to their squeaky wheels out of respect; they do it to "keep the peace" and make life easier for themselves. Your husband is probably avoiding the danger zone with his mother because he's afraid of how she will respond, and while it may be hard to blame him, it's also not okay. 

Without knowing your MIL, it's hard for me to speculate on what kind of person she is, but if she's anything like the one I had, you may have your work cut out for you. Depending on your relationship with your husband — and the one he has with his mother) — you might want to start there, but set your anger down first and always speak from your heart. Tell him how it makes you feel when she says those things, and let him know your concerns about how it affects the children. Perhaps together, you can find a better solution because brushing toxins under the rug will only create more work for everyone. 

​One of my biggest regrets is not taking the advice I'm giving you. I let that woman torment me for years out of respect for her family. But walking on eggshells long term, pretending to ignore relentless nit-picking, degrading comments, and evil glares, only proved how little I respected myself. Take a deep breath, and remember who you are: a good mother and decent human being. You deserve better. We all do.