The Constant Gardener Who Can't Grow a Tomato

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Below are real letters from people just like you who are struggling to make sense of the world and failing miserably. Well, not exactly, but at least they have their health thanks to my brutal honesty and wicked sense of humor, which goes to prove that laughter really IS the best medicine.

If you have a legit problem — relationships, parenting, divorce, dating, social media drama, or finding inner peace — and would like my help, feel free to submit your anonymous request to DEAR SASSYPIEHOLE. I'll do my best to steer you in the right direction, but you might want to hold off before canceling any appointments you have with your therapist.

The Constant Gardener Who Can't Grow a F—ing Tomato

8/6/2020

Dear Vegetable Lasagna,

I regret to inform you that your request for assistance with an inanimate object is denied. While gardening may be a therapeutic way to pass time, it is evident that you didn't read the brief statement above, highlighting the topics I cover, so let me paraphrase.

If you have a LEGITIMATE problem with a human being, by all means, submit your request to DEAR SASSYPIEHOLE. But just so we are clear, a relationship with a tomato doesn't count.

Oh, and also, the jig is up. Only a mother would send a fake letter, using a made-up name that ties to her real email address. That shit only works on kids.

Love you, mom. xo

Got a problem? Yo, I'll solve it. SUBMIT YOUR ANONYMOUS QUESTION HERE.

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