There Are No Winners In A War Against Tweens

Dear Baby Mama Drama,

​Dealing with tweenage girls, who have absolutely no idea how to manage the consequence of hormonal imbalance, is no easy task. It can also be risky, so remember to take what I say with a grain of salt and listen to your therapist before making any bold moves.

​Having said that, let's flip things around and put her shoes on your feet for a minute. Do you remember what it felt like to be that age? The weird growth spurts, mood swings, ambivalence, cattiness, and all that fucking homework! It was painful—remember? My guess is that your daughter is suffering from "self-sabotage" over something she may or may not be old enough to comprehend. 

Perhaps she feels unheard, convinced that no one understands or cares about her feelings. Or maybe she's frustrated because she's having trouble living up to her own impossible standards. Imagine how she must feel when you point out her mistakes regularly. Regardless of whether your complaints are justified, middle school drama is real, and even though it's not the end of the world, it may feel that way for her. So, let's take a step back, assess the damage, and work on your approach before that vicious cycle takes a detour and goes off the rails.

First, you will need to find the core of anger and rebuild the trust. Do you know what else? It works both ways. That's right, you'll have to earn hers back, too. That means no assumptions or trickery on either side, only blatant honestly, raw emotion, and a shit-ton of discipline. Side note: You might want to buy more Kleenex.

Next, open your eyes. One thing you can do to smooth the tension over is to monitor your daughter's body language and respond accordingly. Most people—Yes, even grown-ass men and women!—shut down when they feel attacked. If her arms are crossed, and her eyes are rolling, there is a 99.9% chance she's not going to listen to a word you have to say. The minute you realize this is happening, stop what you are doing and agree to reconnect once you have both had a chance to calm down. If you need to go blow off some steam, do it outside in your car with the windows closed so your neighbors don't call the police. And while you're out there, rage-screaming into thin air, think about how much harder it is for her to process those same emotions.

​It is tough for kids to open up about their feelings, especially when they are afraid of getting themselves (or someone else) into trouble. The problem you are having with your daughter isn't her; it's her ability to feel safe talking with YOU. Whatever her reason is for withdrawing—embarrassment, guilt, shame, fear—it is obvious she is suffering dearly and needs a soft place to land, so take a deep breath and give it to her. Tell her it's okay to drop the heavy stuff on your foot, that you promise not to judge, condemn, or downplay her difficulties. Then, honor your word by helping her pick up the pieces.

There are tender times. If you push too hard, children tend to run the other way. If you do nothing, they walk. It takes an extraordinary amount of patience to be a parent; that's why I waited so long to become one, but the payoff is unconditional. Love wins; it always does in the end, so give her plenty of it, show her how to channel her anger productively, and ride out the storm together. Eventually, if you can bite your tongue long enough to listen for truth, the sun will shine again. Got a problem? Yo, I'll solve it. SUBMIT YOUR ANONYMOUS QUESTION HERE.