sassypiehole
  • ABOUT
    • HIRE ME
    • WRITING SAMPLES
  • ADVICE & PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT
    • TOXIQUE >
      • PAST ARTICLES
    • DEAR SASSYPIEHOLE >
      • SUBMIT TO DEAR SASSYPIEHOLE
      • PREVIOUS QUESTIONS
    • COMMON SENSE ETIQUETTE >
      • THE ARCHIVES
  • NEWS, REVIEWS & PROMOS
    • RIDICULOUSNESS NEWS >
      • PREVIOUS STORIES
    • KILLAH SWAG >
      • SWAG SHOP
      • HIGHLIGHTED PRODUCTS
    • PROMOS
  • MEMES, GIFS & MORE
    • MEMES
    • GIFS >
      • PARENTING GIFS
      • PARTY | CAFFEINE GIFS
      • RELATIONSHIP GIFS
      • DIETING GIFS
      • RANDOM GIFS
      • EW, PEOPLE GIFS
    • MORE >
      • BOOKS
      • LIVE SHOWS
      • EVENTS
      • INSTA LAUGHS
Picture
Search by title or visit DEAR SASSYPIEHOLE ARCHIVES to view full list of articles.
Picture
Below are real letters from people just like you who are struggling to make sense of the world and failing miserably. Well, not exactly, but at least they have their health thanks to my brutal honesty and wicked sense of humor, which goes to prove that laughter really IS the best medicine.

If you have a legit problem — relationships, parenting, divorce, dating, social media drama, or finding inner peace — and would like my help, feel free to submit your anonymous request to DEAR SASSYPIEHOLE. I'll do my best to steer you in the right direction, but you might want to hold off before canceling any appointments you have with your therapist. ​
Picture
Picture
Picture

What Is Perimenopause And Why Am I Crying?

9/29/2020

 
Picture
Dear Hotflash Heather,

Don't get me started. The whole "Perimenopause" thing really threw me for a loop, especially since I had never heard of it before. It felt like the medical industry was screwing with me, deliberately separating one of the most dreadful experiences of my life into a pre-game mini-series that lasted three fucking years. But I digress, and am NOT sorry for my harsh language. (You'll see.)

My train-wreck began with night sweats and uncontrollable tears before my fiftieth birthday. Thanks, Mother Nature; you're a real pal. I couldn't even get through old reruns of that "Holiday Surprise" 
Publix commercial: you know, the one where the guy working at the hospital is all bummed out because he can't get home in time for Thanksgiving, but when he goes home from work that night, he finds his entire family cooking dinner in his apartment? I'll drop it below in case you need a good cry.
It wasn't until a year or so later — after my body stopped wilting and I gained a few (fifteen) pounds — that my doctor told me about Perimenopause. I remember sitting on a paper seat, watching her lips move but only hearing the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher.
Everything you ever need to know is on Google, Heather, so do your homework if you must, but know that it won't matter because Perimenopause is bullshit, and nothing about it makes any sense. The best example I've ever found to capture what it is honestly feels like for middle-aged women on the verge of a nervous breakdown is this sketch comedy bit from the Baroness von Sketch Show. Grab a tissue because you are about to cry-laugh your way to the other side.
The good news is that menopause is no big deal. The challenge is getting there without ending up in the backseat of a police car for losing it on some moron who stole your parking space. All and all, it took about three years, give or take, for me to reach the end of my dismal rainbow, but I made it there in one piece — thinned hair, fattened thighs, and a lot more wrinkles — and so will you, as long as don't let that bloated ego ruin your moment. Know what else? Unless you have a daughter, you will never have to pay for "ALWAYS" again. Imagine what you can do with all that money. But just in case, you may want to read THIS. 

Pro tip: surround yourself around people who make you laugh. If you're not easily offended, you might want to start HERE. ​???

Comments are closed.
SUBSCRIBE! NO SPAM, EVER. PROMISE.
Picture
Picture
Picture
Copyright© 2011 All Rights Reserved |  Affiliate Link Policy
  • ABOUT
    • HIRE ME
    • WRITING SAMPLES
  • ADVICE & PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT
    • TOXIQUE >
      • PAST ARTICLES
    • DEAR SASSYPIEHOLE >
      • SUBMIT TO DEAR SASSYPIEHOLE
      • PREVIOUS QUESTIONS
    • COMMON SENSE ETIQUETTE >
      • THE ARCHIVES
  • NEWS, REVIEWS & PROMOS
    • RIDICULOUSNESS NEWS >
      • PREVIOUS STORIES
    • KILLAH SWAG >
      • SWAG SHOP
      • HIGHLIGHTED PRODUCTS
    • PROMOS
  • MEMES, GIFS & MORE
    • MEMES
    • GIFS >
      • PARENTING GIFS
      • PARTY | CAFFEINE GIFS
      • RELATIONSHIP GIFS
      • DIETING GIFS
      • RANDOM GIFS
      • EW, PEOPLE GIFS
    • MORE >
      • BOOKS
      • LIVE SHOWS
      • EVENTS
      • INSTA LAUGHS