Lisa René LeClair
It's been a while since I've written more than a single thought. Not that I don't have anything to say — there's plenty — but because my focus skewed in a direction that piqued my curiosity, and when something like that happens, I feel the need to strike while the iron is hot. Regrettably, I forgot to plug the damn thing in, and now it's ice cold.
Every year, my mind goes to a dark place around this time, reassessing life choices and second-guessing everything that has led me to this point. I'll be 54 this year, and sometimes I feel like a failure. So many "should haves," so little time:
I should have gone to college.
I should have listened to my gut.
I should have taken better care of myself.
I should have fought harder.
I should have said no.
It's strange how quickly life unfolds. We are born wide-eyed and full of promise, and then something happens that triggers an inner vampire who feeds off negativity. It's a lonely existence, even though so many of us are traveling the same road. So, why do we do it? Why do we tell ourselves we are not — smart, attractive, successful, wealthy, tough — enough? Don't we know that doing this only justifies the insecurities that prevent us from making an effort?
Choosing mindfulness is harder than it sounds, mostly because our inner monologues never stop talking, and many are so loud that we can barely hear a whisper of positivity. It reminds me of when my parents drove us upstate New York to visit family one year for Christmas. There were at least a dozen of us sitting around the dinner table, yelling. I couldn't make out what anyone said and asked my cousin if they were always like this. Unscathed, she squinched her face and laughed, "If you don't scream louder than they are, no one will hear you."
It's absurd to think that an inner voice manufactured by you would deliberately sabotage any confidence you had in yourself, but watch how often it tries. I bet if you sit still long enough, you'll hear it say something unfavorable like "maybe if you exercised more, you'd fit into those jeans" or "no wonder you never finish anything, you're fucking lazy."
This morning, my inner voice, the one who typically thinks I'll never amount to anything, told me to stop complaining about things that are out of my control and focus on building a future. It's not the first time those words have surfaced, and I'm confident it won't be the last, but hearing them inspired me to get off my ass, and here we are.
I've been shining my birthday spotlight on wrinkles and failures for so long that I forgot to make a wish. This year, my heart thirsts for more...
The first step is admitting you have a problem. Let's stop acting powerless and celebrate small victories together. If you're on Instagram, make sure you're following my page and come hang out with me Saturday, February 27 at 3:00 pm EST for a super chill LIVE BIRTHDAY QUARANSTREAM PARTY with DJ Starboy. It's an hour you'll never get back, but it's for a good cause. Help me shake my birthday blues by sharing a few laughs and keeping me company.