What SHE says
What I say
2014 - What I Say Archives
Birthdays: It's not about YOU anymore!
The toughest job you'll never have (unless you try)!
Is it bad that I only dream of sleeping?
Move over, Elf... There's a new sheriff in town!
"Time Out" is just slang for "Shut the *&@# up!"
You Get What You Get And You Don't Pitch A Fit!
Club Argonne: A Banking Faux Pas
Motherhood: The OTHER Dementia.
You're only as sick as they SAY you are!
Playdate, Plaguedate... What's the difference?
The upside of being single
Snow Beast versus The Drunk Girl
Monday... It's just another word for LIFE!
The Truth About Love (It's Not What You Think)
The Golden Rule of Cleaning (Husbands: Take Note!)
This is what happened when I quit my first job.
If it's FREE, there's usually a reason!
NO, as a matter of fact, I am NOT on my period!
(Moms) Will Work For FREE!
Pregnancy: When "no" means "NO!"
Alert the media - 40 is the new 65!
Made In vaChina!
When it doubt, blame the dog.
Friends shouldn't let friends wear men's underpants and call it fashion.
I've got so many balls in the air that sometimes he mistakes one for his own!
Stuper Bowl Sunday
Mom vs. Devil - A Battle of Wits
Imaginary friends DO exist (and they're living in my house)!
PARENTAL ADVISORY: I AM the explicit content!
If I thought for a second that I'd end up doing THIS again, I never would have had kids!
It's a good thing there isn't a rehab for smokers... Because rehab is for quitters!
AD/HD... It's not just for kids anymore!
Whining + Melodramatic Tears = A Kid At PetSmart
Long-term total sleep deprivation has caused death in lab animals... Guess it's a good thing I'm not a rat!
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all! ~Hee Haw, circa 1969
If everyone followed this one piece of advice, the world would be a much better place!
Four more cats and I would've been THAT girl!
I used to dress like a hooker, then I had kids!
If anyone asks, I'm a pole dancer. That way, when they find out the truth, they'll be far less disappointed.
2013 - What I Say Archives
Resolutions are a lot harder to break if you don't have any.
I thought if I didn't have a mouth, people might like me more... Then I picked up a pen.
Got Cake? Put it in your FACE!
We wish you a Merry Whatever Doesn't Piss You Off!
Where's the BEEF? It better NOT be in my husband's dinner!
The Big Elf Debate
You better not pout (especially if you're doing it in front of my mother while shopping at Target)!
You can't regret... What you don't remember!
On the fourth day of Christmas, mommy needs a beer!
It's a good thing I am NACHO mother!
Friends: A gift that keeps on giving.
What do you get your kids for Christmas when you don't have any money? CREATIVE!
It's Christmas! Time to wrestle your way up to the trough!
Boy that Santa sure does hold a grudge!
Gerard Butler showed up at my front door yesterday and THIS is what happened! - @sassypiehole | You've been warned!
OMG! OMG! I just had the best corn dog of my life. I can't wait to post a picture of it on Facebook! ~ Everyone on Facebook
This is so stupid, you can't even call it a blog!
s there a cricket on my blog or are you just glad to read me?
Has THIS ever happened to YOU? OH! You must be MARRIED!
If at first you don't succeed, don't try this again! A bakers guide to proper etiquette.
One of these days... POW! Right in the jugular!
If the magazines can do it, why can't we? Photoshop THIS, Faux Weekly!
Fast and Furious. That sounds an awful lot like life.
Be careful what you wish for. Especially if you wish you were your mother!
Talk to the fist, 'cause the hand won't listen!
I'm thankful that it's OVER!
Will the person who invented technology please take it away from my MOM?!
This just in: There IS no cure for motherhood, so take it like a man!
The Top Ten List Of (Other) Things I Am Thankful For
Never Let The Sun Set On A Quarrel.
What's more awkward than a day in the life of me? The answer might surprise you.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if cats had thumbs?
When a 3-year-old comes home from daycare with a broken nose, who do you blame?
The true meaning behind nothing.
If you touch my virginity, I'll stab you!
Please Christmas, Don't be late!
I was a slob for an entire day and no one died!
Can we talk about religion or is that just an old wives tale?
The art of comedy... It's okay if you laugh!
Santa's last flight... Every mother's worst fear!
The Homeless Hero (A sideline comedian)
To have and to hold (or not)!
T.G.I.F. - Hooray! It's MONDAY!
Queen of Idiots
What do you do when no one is reading your blog? You beg.
The day the Tooth Fairy screwed up. Well... Sort of.
How I got rid of the Flu in less than four hours... No joke.
Knick-knack patty whack give a dog a... TOOTHBRUSH?
RT @sassypiehole If you're offended by one of my tweets, please message me and I will completely change who I am and what I think is funny, just for you.
Why my six-year-old is not allowed to use the "C" word
The male man wears a lot of hats!
Knock, knock? Who's there? A teenager.
Ten pounds that wouldn't budge: A ME true (not) Hollywood story!
20 minute pregnancy... Dreams really DO come true!
I'm the girl that'll buy you a drink and make you laugh when your date pulls a no-show, so you might wanna skip the eye-rolls!
Hugh Helfner: The naughty elf of the ATL
Mirror, mirror on the wall... I hope "Prince Charming" doesn't work at the mall.
I used to have these perfectly toned, silky smooth, sun-drenched legs... Then I became a mother.
The man in the tree that we didn't see...
HELP! My daughter won't stop tooting!
Wow, Mommy... You are SOOO "Gangsta!"
"Daddy said you scream like a girl when you see a bug." (ask DADDY about the spider web he walked into yesterday)
What happens at Grandma's STAYS at Grandma's!
My husband forgot our anniversary AGAIN! This is his penance.
Everyone HAS one, but no one ever wants to share it! Enough already... I'll show you MINE if you show me YOURS!
3: 2: 1: Get your game face on, it's picture day!
It's true: best friends WILL do just about anything for you... even if it means they gotta hide a body or two.
If I were to do a face-plant in a cake, half naked and super-drunk, I sure wouldn't want my kid to find out!
It's okay if your pumpkin looks like a banjo picker from "Deliverance" ~ as long as your kid is happy!
Death of the Idiot Mittens...
An open letter to the makers of technology and social media: I love you, I hate you.
Whatever you do, don't call me a witch!
If someone would have explained the laws of gravity better before I got pregnant in my 40's, I might have considered adoption.
Baby's Got Sauce!
I thought Marcia Brady was dead?
The ride of a lifetime... or so I thought
The haunted castle: where good fish go to die
"Two teens attack one's mom, plan to eat her liver after pill binge..."
Daddy is a drag queen
Ø dads allowed
Wonder Woman meets a little boy
Grandmas got balls and she's not afraid to use them
Chocolate crack: it's not as bad as it sounds...
The 2013 Official Short-List of Hillbilly Don'ts *
Brrinng! Brrinng! Hey mom, it's the 80's... they want to talk to your daughter!
Responsible drinking for parents
9/11: Another life ago
Keep Your Pants On!
Frankendad... man of mystery
Magic hula-hoop... poof!
Ain't no mountain high enough, baby!
New study reveals the REAL reason why the chicken crossed the road!
Say my name...
I'd like to smack the guy who stopped doing THIS!
My sister is a dog
Step away from the Pop-Tarts!
Rants & Raves
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2014 - Rants & Raves Archives
Wonki Wands: Mind-Blowingly Enormous Bubbles!
Indoor S'mores–For REAL!
Who needs powder when you got grass?
Breast Milk Lollipops? Yep... It's a thing!
Cartoons come to life - I freaking' LOVE this!
If you buy it, they will play (maybe for hours)!
Where else can you beat on a ball with a metal rod and not get sent to prison?
When babies have mustaches, it is inappropriate to make mustache ride jokes... Just an FYI
Are your balls glowing? Maybe they SHOULD be!
2013 - Rants & Raves Archives
If they don't like it, you can always hit them in the face with it!
What's that you say? A cool, low budget gift for Christmas?
Pewi, what's that smell? "Oh, that's called STYLE, my dear... And I wish I would have had it when MY kid was learning to walk!"
A personal sleigh for your highness!
Now when you call me a slacker, it will mean something entirely different!
Hey writers... Got a lot to say about nothing, but can't figure out what to say? Let Storymatic help!
In my next life, I want to be a millionaire so I can spend all my money on toys for my kid!
Diva moms on a budget... You can thank me in advance for what I'm about to tell you!
Don't take your anger out on mommy... say hello to Mr. Bonks!
I'll let you in on a little secret: kids don't know how much things cost and sometimes it pays to stick to the basics!
Next time you tell your kids to "go draw mommy a nice picture," don't be surprised if they ask for one of these!
The ideal gift for SWINGERS! (No pun intended.)
Look... you're SIX-YEARS-OLD: if you want cookies, make 'em yourself!
Go ahead: THROW my iPhone in the toilet, see if I care! Well... maybe not the toilet, perhaps we could just stick to large bodies of water?
How I became the Walter White of caffeine, minus all the millions and dead people.
Now when you trip on your way downstairs and land on your only GOOD tooth, you can thank your 2-year-old for calling for help!
Bunk beds are making a come-back... for adults!
Brace yourself, Daddy: That playhouse you built out of unmatched, termite-infested scrap wood you swiped from the neighbors back yard has finally been replaced.
I guess if my husband left one of THESE giant eggshells in the sink, I really don't think I would mind at all!
If you plan on letting your 3-year-old stay up and watch horror movies this Halloween, at LEAST put one of these on their nightstand!
The incredible UN-edible egg
If you're gonna help mommy vacuum, you'd better be legit!
Every person alive should own one of these, unless of course, they really ARE a witch!
Who said you can't teach an old dog new tricks?
If butts could talk, they'd tell you to buy one of these!
If you need an iPad in the bathroom, you're probably doing it wrong.
Shhhh... don't squeeze the animals: that's HER job!
Enough already: Shut the f...ront door, lock it and take your kids to the park!
Santa's not the ONLY one with a cool sled!
I see London, I see France, I see... wait... whaaaa??!
Mah-Na Mah-Naaaat such a bad idea!
The Gods Must Be Crazy... or just really f-ing cool!
What the hell is Zipfy? Oh... you're gonna want to know!
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm about to eat mine!
Idiot-proof decoration... even for an idiot
No left turn... well, at least not for another 20 minutes!
The Backpack War
Booster seat fit for a Prima donna
I like cool swag and I cannot lie...
Bitch and Moan
The Vent Lines Are Now Open
Ask me anything!
unedited, unadulterated: straight out of the mouth of a tiny little girl.
"You know who my favorite person in the world is?" (mommy) "No... not THE HAMMER!"